0062. hola

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It's pouring. I left NY for some equatorial sun and while the mornings provide, the afternoons have been reliably dark and thundery. Grey walls roll in and hide the mountains, giant purple strikes of lighting make me yelp and jump, downpours reveal the many goteras of this creaky, old home. A cold yet cleansing energy comes with and as I sit in the darkening sunroom I try to absorb it. I've been down - self-deprecating, negative, the winter blues cometh early. I'd be lying if I didn't say I've felt this way for a fair portion of 2021, hence my absence in this space. It's been a tough year. In February, I distinctly remember seeing a date stamp on an article and thinking 'that's so weird - it's not 2021 yet.' That feeling has not abated and despite many moments of joy and happiness, I feel stuck. Stuck in a moment year that suffocates me. Stuck in a world that debilitates and terrifies me. My routines and habits so out of practice that re-committing and forming new ones feels like a marathon, one I am training for diligently. 

As I work on myself I constantly find my way back here. Despite a lack of published posts I've written and rewritten too many drafts to count. When I revisit these outdated words my fondness for them holds me back. Should I try to make them work? Should I just post them with the date they were written? Should I start fresh and let them go? Time will tell. For now I wanted to pop in and break the cycle. Even if it's just with a paragraph or two, this post is my cue to show up. To say hello to anyone who checks in hoping for new words from me. I honestly can't tell if any real humans read my blog but it was always for myself from the start. Actualizing a long held idea, making it real - one tiny, scary step at a time. Same goes now.

How've you been?   

PS. Another way to describe how I feel: formlesss and new. Do you ever forget about awesome songs/albums and feel wonderfully revived when you remember and revisit them? The whole album is my favorite/so energizing and I will never tire of recommending it. Also perfect: teen dream. 

PPS. A completely unrelated photo just because: ola. august 2021.